


Infinity Gold

by Cosette_Lark



Category: Sanders Sides, Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: As in tons of fluff I never meant to write, Autism, Autistic Virgil, Comfort, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Minor Swearing, Overload/Meltdown, asd, based on personal experience, ‘High Functioning’ autism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-12 02:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 14,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20556890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosette_Lark/pseuds/Cosette_Lark
Summary: Anxiety and Autism are so easily muddled...Virgil is autistic, a fact he is aware and proud of. It’s not always easy, true- there are the highs and lows, amplified by his unusual mind. But the others are there to help him through, be it a meltdown that leaves him drained or the overwhelming excitement over something small.From parties and tv shows to love and ginger beer, Virgil explores life through the eyes of someone on the Spectrum.





	1. Here we go again

Exhausted. 

That’s how he felt. As if someone had drained him of everything that kept him going, pouring it out of him like water from a jug.

Sometimes he just felt annoyed after incidents like this. Sometimes the frustration at his inability to be normal- no, not normal, there is no such thing- would overwhelm him, bringing fresh tears and his hands would yet again try to defend him against something they couldn’t fight.

Other times he just felt tired. This was one of those times. He started to register where he was, the fog starting to lift.

Tile. Hard. Cold.

A toilet. _God, keep away, who knows how many germs are there- _

The bathroom. He was in the bathroom. Of course he was. He remembered running in here, the world sharpening and blurring all at the same time, desperately trying to get away from-

How long had he been here? Time always seemed to fade during these kinds of things.

Cold tears lay still on his cheeks, he could feel their tracks down his face. They’d tell him to clear those off. That it would make him feel better.

They’d have told him to breathe. They don’t understand how that makes it worse, reminds you that your struggling-

His breathing was better now. Almost normal.

A soft knock on the door.

‘Virgil?’

He moves his mouth to answer- his throat disobeys.

_Mute. Fuck. _

‘I’m going to come in, okay?’

_Do what you you like- I can’t answer_.

The door opened and Patton’s worried face appeared.

‘Virgil?’

_Hello Patton._

‘Are you alright?’

_What does it look like._

_Scratch that. I’m ok. But not._

_This is a nightmare-_

‘Can I get you anything?’

_I can’t think, can’t talk, can’t think, can’t talk-_

‘Im going to get you some water, okay? Then we’ll see if you feel like moving to somewhere more comfortable.’

_Fine._

Patton disappeared. It could have been for a minute, ten, or twenty. But he came back with a glass of water, and something else which he kept out of sight.

‘Drink it, you’ll feel better.’

Virgil finally found the strength to move his hands from his ears- _forgot those_ _were there_\- and pick up the glass. Slowly, he drank it all, realising just how thirsty he was. It soothes his sore throat- _ah._

This had been a bad one, then.

Patton shifted, catching Virgil’s attention. Sheepishly, he produced a brown bottle from behind his back.

_No-_

‘Virgil, have some, it will make you feel better-‘

He shook his head fiercely.

_Can’t have it can’t have it can’t have it_-

‘Virgil-‘

_No it’s bad for you bad for your health I can’t have it-_

‘- I know you like it-‘

_I shouldn’t it’s bad-_

‘You’re thinking about how bad it is for you, aren’t you?’

The shaking stopped.

Slowly, he nodded.

‘About how it doesn’t fit into Logan’s plan?’

Another nod.

‘What did we say about these occasions?’

No reply.

‘We said ‘f-word it’, remember?’

A small nod.

Patton smiles and placed the bottle in front of Virgil, who didn’t take it, instead averting his eyes. 

‘Now you’re thinking about the fact that you’re breaking a rule, aren’t you?’

_Damn, he’s good._

Yet another nod.

‘I give you permission to have it. It is a rule that you need it in times like this, isn’t it? Well I confirm that this is one of those times. Agreed?’

A pause. And then- a nod.

‘Good. Now, drink your ginger beer. You need the sugar.’

***

Later, Virgil would join the others in the common room for a quiet evening, rewatching a film they’d seen a million times before. Roman would softly sing along with Cinderella, and Virgil would twist his hands at the climax, averting his eyes. Logan would try not to question the irrational behaviour the mice displayed, and Patton would bop along, trying not to be over excited.

The exhaustion from the incident would lead to Virgil falling asleep, and when he woke up with the memory of the cause, the others would simply lead him through his 4-7-8 breathing, and then they’d ensure he got to bed.

And as for what caused Virgil to be locked in a timeless void on the cold tiles- they’d address that in the morning.

For now, sleep.

And to get some more ginger beer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello 
> 
> On the off chance anyone actually reads this, I would like to explain.
> 
> This is based on my experiences as someone with ‘high functioning’ autism. I like to project onto characters. I’ve wanted to write a female autistic character, as they are in short supply, but I needed to build my confidence up.
> 
> Hence this.
> 
> Autism and Anxiety are closely linked, though not the same. People with autism are more likely to develop Anxiety disorders, so I thought it would be interesting to have an autistic Virgil. 
> 
> This means that Virgil isn’t having panic attacks- he’s having autistic meltdowns, brought on by hypersensitivity to certain things. Autism often feels like your brain trying to protect you against everything, so at least for me this works for now.
> 
> I am not saying Thomas Sanders is autistic. Just getting that out there.
> 
> Also, this is based off my experiences with my specific type and flavour of autism. Female and Male autism are different, and there are a range of spectrum disorders. If you want to know more, I can give you links to sites or answer questions is you ask.
> 
> Also, I will show the upsides to autism if people want me to continue this, or if I get a chance. 
> 
> So long,
> 
> Cosette


	2. Give him a minute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is going on with Virgil, and Logan is worried. 
> 
> Yes, I know I’m bad at summaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some things that are mentioned here will be explained later, so don’t worry if you don’t understand some of the terms, it’s all intentional.

He was aware of his hands rapid movements hitting his nose, hunched over and his head near his chest. The movements started to encompass the rest of his body, and next thing he knew he was on his side in ten soft carpet. His face contorted in an attempt to express what he was feeling, his eyes squeezed shut before fluttering open. His hands flicked and flapped, and his leg as twitched, every now and again kicking out. 

Suddenly he came out of his mind, taking a chance to lay on his back and breath deeply, his face still in that peculiar stretched expression. 

Then a glance at the TV and a thought set him off again-

_God this is more intense than normal_\- 

***

The muffled sounds drew Logan to the living room, strange thumps that didn’t just sound like yet another pillow fight.

When he saw Virgil, however, he froze.

Virgil was thrashing slightly on the the ground in front of the TV, where an episode of some show was playing. His nose was red, presumably from the way his hands kept hitting it as they managed to move in a strangely synchronised manner. He was rolling slightly from side to side, with a peculiar expression on his face-

Logan was about to step in and stop him- was he having a fit? A meltdown? What- when a hand on his arm stopped him. 

He turned to see Patton with a small smile on his face. Patton gently shook his head, and pulled him around the corner.

‘Paton, why did you stop me? Clearly something is wrong-‘ Patton was shaking his head. 

‘No, Logan.’ 

Clearly Patton wasn’t aware of the situation. ‘But his hands, and the way he’s moving, his eyes are shut, and his face-‘

‘What about his face?’

Logan stopped to consider. He adjusted his necktie before responding. ‘He seems to be feeling some strong emotion, and while I cannot identify it, helping reduce it may aid his current state-‘

Patton smiled wider. ‘Logan, look at his face.’

Confused, He complied. 

Red nose. Eyes shut. Mouth stretched-

‘At his expression, Logan.’ Patton prompted gently.

Logan sighed and turned back to the task. Stretched mouth, corners up. Crinkling around the eyes, cheek muscles tense and up- oh.

‘He’s- smiling.’ 

Patton positively beamed. ‘Yep! He’s happy. Sometimes he just needs to let off good emotions as well as bad. Or in this case- his love of that show.’ 

Logan frowned. ‘Really? Nothing is wrong?’

‘Well, isn’t it logical that all strong emotions effect a person?’

‘...I suppose so.’

‘You suppose right, Microsoft Nerd.’ Roman appeared at their side, scoffing popcorn. He glanced quickly around the corner at Virgil. He turned to Patton.

‘He’s going to be annoyed that he has to rewind the show.’

‘I know. But he hasn’t had a good old stim in a while, and this looks like the best he’s ever had. I don’t want to disturb him to pause it.’ 

‘Fair enough. Has he giggled yet?’

‘I haven’t been here for long-‘

Logan looked at Roman, perplexed. ‘Giggled?’ 

Roman grinned gleefully. ‘When Virgil has a ‘happy stim’ and he find something funny, he giggles.’

‘I- was not aware.’

‘Hang around you might hear-‘

A giggle was heard from the living room. Patton clamped his hands over his mouth to stop himself from squealing, and Roman looked like he might explode with happiness. 

Even Logan had to admit, it was endearing.

Finally, Patton straightened himself. ‘Come on, lets give him some peace. It’s not fair we watch him.’ 

Before he retreated back to his room, Logan whipped out a notebook and pen. Roman eyes him curiously. 

‘Whatcha got there?’

‘A notebook.’

‘...I mean what are you writing.’

‘That just because it appears to me that Virgil is in distress doesn’t mean he is. Also to look up what the word ‘stim’ means.’

‘We’ll explain that one another time, folks.’

‘I am the only one here.’ 

‘Never mind. Can you look over my design for magical bed like in Bedknobs and Broomsticks? I can’t quite get the symmetrical pattern on the duvet right, I need your logical mind.’

‘That’s the part you want me to look over?’

***

Virgil stretched. That had been-

Awesome. Intense, sure, but he hadn’t had an all out happiness overload for ages. He’d have to write stim notes tonight though if he even remotely wanted to get to sleep. 

Right, so he had been watching Doctor Who, got intense around the start of Series 5 episode 4, thought of tons of story ideas for fanfic, original stories and scripts,meant he should be on- 

‘WHAT THE FU-‘

Roman stifled a laugh from down the corridor. Logan and Patton pokes their head out of their rooms.

‘What happened?’ Logan questioned.

Roman composed himself long enough to speak. ‘Oh, nothing. Virgil just realised the episode is over and he missed all his favourite parts.’

‘I see-

‘EVERY SINGLE TIME- FOR FU-‘

‘LANGUAGE!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello
> 
> To all the people who left Kudos, thank you! 
> 
> If you want to continue reading, updates might be all over the place. This also isn’t my best when it comes to writing, my style is far from appropriate for fan fiction but this is fun.
> 
> Again, any questions, feel free to ask.
> 
> Cosette


	3. Just Can’t Help It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil needs to stim during filming...but what is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here I explain what Stimming is. Also, there is a touch of innocent Prinxiety, but that’s not going to be a main focus in this.

Virgil stared at a wall as he waited for his turn in filming. It was almost the end of the day, and to be honest, they probably wouldn’t get much more done. His leg bounced absentmindedly, as his thoughts wandered.

‘Virgil?’ 

‘Hm?’ He looked up to see Thomas positioning the camera, an apologetic smile on his face.

‘Can you keep your leg still? It’s making a noise and the microphones are bound to pick it up.’

Virgil put a hand out to stop his right leg. ‘Sure.’ 

Thomas grinned and turned the camera to Patton, ready to film. Virgil kept his right leg still.

His left leg began to tremble.

And bounce. Small at first, but it built up to larger, more intense movements.

‘Virgil? Can you-‘ 

Virgil pushed his leg down. ‘Yeah, sorry, I’ll try not to. No problem.’

Thomas nodded and got back to filming. 

There was a pause.

Both legs started moving at the same time, building up, faster, faster-

‘Virgil-?’

His hands moved to start flicking, and then flapping, at the level of his stomach.

‘Virgil-!’

His legs started hitting his forearms, his hands never stopping-

‘VIRGIL!’

He stopped suddenly, looking up. ‘Yeah?’

Thomas looked bewildered. ‘What- what- why?’

Virgil shrugged. ‘I had to stim.’ 

Roman choked. Totally not a suppressed giggle. 

‘Stim?’

‘Self Stimulatory Behaviour. A misnomer, but that’s what it’s called.’

‘...’

Virgil sighed. ‘Any strong emotion, I need to release excess energy. I can make stims smaller, but I can’t stop them entirely.’ 

‘So- what emotion made you stim?’

Virgil ducked his head and mumbled.

‘What was that?’ Thomas probed.

Virgil raised his head slightly, revealing a slight blush. ‘I was...excited.’ 

A smile slowly spread across Thomas’ face. Patton squealed, and Roman looked triumphant. 

Virgil shuffled slightly. ‘So? It can happen. I- I could have a new My Chemical Romance album to listen to.’

Logan frowned. ‘Didn’t My Chemical Romance break up? There can’t be a new album-‘

‘Yeah, well-‘ Virgil hunched his shoulders. ‘If you don’t need me, can I go to my room?’ 

Thomas grinned. ‘Yeah, sure. Let’s take a break guys.’

Parton and Logan quickly sunk out, but Roman remained, gazing at the stairs with a small smile on his face. 

‘Roman?’ 

Roman jumped slightly. ‘Yes?’

‘Do you know why Virgil is excited?’

Roman rubbed the back of his head. ‘I...we...are having a movie night later. I bet him that Bedknobs and Broomsticks has no darker undertones. He claims there is, so we agreed to watch it tonight.’

Thomas nodded, then paused. ‘No darker undertones?’

‘Of course!’

‘...other than the obvious dictatorship in Naboomland that mirrors the Nazi threat?’

‘Well-‘

‘And the fact that the entire film is set during the Second World War while London was being bombed?’

‘Yes, But-‘

‘And the fact that they literally invade and lock the children in a museum-‘

‘I WANTED A MOVIE NIGHT WITH VIRGIL OKAY?’ 

Roman had turned bright red, and was shuffling in a way more reminiscent of Anxiety than a Prince. Thomas smiled knowingly. 

‘I’m sure you two will have fun. Go take a break.’

Roman nodded sheepishly and sank out, leaving Thomas alone.

He hummed to himself as he ensured things were tidy for when they carried on filming. While he was at it, he pulled out the DVD of Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

A lonely figure set in their ways, who puts on an uncaring front, but with a good heart underneath it all, and an extravagant performer who is more insecure than they let on?

They were made for each other.

The movie wasn’t too bad either. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello
> 
> Thanks for the Kudos! Just a few questions, as this is my first fic and I’m a little unsure what to do...
> 
> Would you prefer longer chapters, or are they fine?
> 
> Would you prefer more plot?
> 
> Is there anything you would like to know about autism? 
> 
> If you are autistic, how am I doing?? I’m not entirely happy with the latest chapter so it may be adjusted at some point...
> 
> If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask! 
> 
> Also, Bedknobs and Broomsticks is a really sweet film, and a lesser known Disney Classic. 
> 
> So long
> 
> Cosette


	4. One, Two, Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stereotypes get things wrong...but they sometimes have a grain of truth...

_ Oh fuck- _

Virgil tensed.

Why, you may ask? Well.

An alarm bell was ringing in the back of his mind. It was yelling at him that it was _time to go, this wasn’t good, it wasn’t safe, don’t let it happen-_

And for once, Virgil was inclined to agree. 

_Ok. It’s fine. Keep your hands down, that indicates that you don’t want this, good, head down, don’t pay attention, tense slightly, just in case, good, good-_

The threat loomed.

_Fuck. _

‘Virgil?’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘Would you be willing to participate in a display of affection involving close physical contact?’

‘...Logan?’

‘Yes?’

‘What does that mean.’

A sigh was heard. ‘May I hug you?’

_Alert Alert Alert._

‘S-sure.’

_Why would you say that?!_

Logan stepped forward with his arms raised, and Virgil slowly uncurled. And then-

They hugged. Awkwardly.

Virgil couldn’t quite understand it. _Why did people like this?! How was it comforting?! _

The hug only lasted a few seconds before both parties awkwardly let go. Virgil shoves his hands in his pockets and looked down. He shrugged and walked away. Not as bad as the first time, but still weird.

***

Virgil curled into a tight ball. Everything was just getting too much-

‘Hey, kiddo? You alright?’

And there was Patton. 

He stood up to pull Patton into a hug, and when he felt Patton hold him close, he melted into it. Everything about this made the stress leave his body, from the contact to the smell of Patton’s shirt. Soon they were curled up on the sofa, Patton playing with Virgil’s hair and listening to his worries.

This was the kind of hug he liked.

***

Virgil smiled as chaos ensued around him. Thomas has just landed a lead role and understandably everyone was ecstatic. Patton hugged Roman, Roman hugged Logan, Patton hugged Logan, and-

Two strong arms wrapped around Virgil.

He couldn’t breathe.

The alarm was going off- unknown hugger- yet-

It felt- nice.

No- electric. Like there was a current running from Roman to Virgil. 

And he wanted to stay there forever.

All too soon Roman pulled away to carry on with his celebration leaving Virgil to think-

_You know, maybe hugging isn’t so bad after all. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello
> 
> Thanks for reading, again! Also thanks to AugustWoes for commenting.
> 
> Just thought I’d give a little background:
> 
> Logan’s hug- my first hug with my best friend, except she was an awesome hugger and took it upon herself to help. We call them ‘awkward hugs’ (creative, I know) and have actually helped me.
> 
> Patton’s hug- my mum. She is comfort, and I could hold on forever. Heck she gave me one a couple of hours ago, and they are magic.
> 
> Roman’s hug- It was the end of a show, the cast were hugging each other left right and centre, and I didn’t know what to do. My crush came up to me and hugged me. It felt just like this. 
> 
> So, we like hugging. Sometimes. Under certain circumstances...
> 
> Any questions, just ask.
> 
> So long,
> 
> Cosette


	5. Little Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to when they were younger, and Patton helps a crying side he found hiding in the Light Sides area...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got any questions? Requests for things you’d like to know about? Let me know. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this far! 
> 
> PS this is my favourite chapter so far

It was early morning, and Patton bounced along the corridor to the kitchen. Thomas was about to go into sixth grade and Patton was ecstatic. Think of all the new friends Thomas could make! This would be so much fun!

He was distracted from his musings by the muffled sound of someone crying. He looked around, but could see no one. But it sounded like it was coming from...

Patton turned to the door next to him. The cupboard under the stairs. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door.

Inside, he saw a bundle of black cloth curled up, shaking with sobs.

Ah, Anxiety.

Patton hadn’t really seen the small side much, only once in a while after nightmares and the like. He knew the others, particularly Roman, weren’t keen, but Patton was inclined to give him a chance. Because come on. He was just so cute!

Anxiety suddenly seemed to become aware that he was no longer alone, his eyes widening with fear at the sight of Patton. He immediately shuffled back before hitting the wall, and was about to try and sink out when-

‘Hey, hey, it’s ok- I’m not mad or anything.’ Patton dropped to his knees in an attempt to convince him. Anxiety had always seemed so much younger than the others, making Patton sympathise even more.

Anxiety looked up, surprised.

‘Even...even though I was hiding in your cupboard?’

Patton was confused. ‘Why would I be mad?’ When Anxiety didn’t meet his eye he changed tact. ‘I’m not mad. Why are you in the cupboard?’ He watched the boy curl up.

‘I- it’s embarrassing.’ Patton gave a small smile. ‘Everyone’s got something embarrassing. Maybe I can help?’

‘I- didn’t think you could be embarrassed...’

Patton grinned. ‘Of course I can! So can Logan, and Roman!’

‘Really? Roman never seems to be...’ ‘

’Last week, he was practicing pirouettes, and he fell over.’

‘Really?!’

‘Yep.’ Patton winked. ‘And Logan has a unicorn onesie that he wears while reading. We found him in it once. He refuses to talk about it.’

‘Woah!’

‘And...okay...’ Patton took a deep breath. ‘I have a picture of a cat that I taped to my ceiling. I love cats, but I’m allergic.’

‘That’s a shame.’

‘It is.’ Patton agreed, then brightened. ‘So you see, everyone’s embarrassed about something! Do you think you can tell me why your here now?’

Anxiety chewed his lip and ducked his head. ‘I...I was learning how to tie my shoes.’

Patton looked down and saw that, yes, Anxiety’s shoelaces were undone. ‘But- why were you in the cupboard for that?’

‘I- I was practising in- in Our area-‘ Patton was suddenly reminded that Anxiety was from the Other side. ‘-and Deceit and the Duke wouldn’t leave me alone, they said I should know how to do it by now-‘ He started to cry again. ‘And they’re right.’

Patton wanted to hug the side, but didn’t want to startle him. But before he could speak, Anxiety continued.

‘Even when I went back to my room to figure it out by my self, they were banging on my door, and yelling. I- I came here, but I didn’t want any of you to be mad that I came, so...’

‘So you hid in the cupboard.’ Patton finished, and the side nodded.

‘But I couldn’t do it- I can’t do it- and everyone else does, and there is so much happening with Thomas starting school, and I thought that if I could get this one thing right-‘ he desperately tried to hold back tears. ‘But I can’t.’’

Patton watched as the side shrunk even further, his small frame racked with sobs.

‘Hey, don’t cry, it’s alright.’ Patton soothed. A pair of red rimmed eyes met his, as Anxiety attempted to stifle his sobs.

Patton shifted so he was next to him, and stretched out his legs. He pulled his shoes off and placed them in his lap, and undid the laces. That done, he stretched them out. ‘You you put this one under, then pull. Then loop, and round, and pull this part through...’ he pulled them tight into a neat bow. He showed how to double knot it before handing the other shoe to a confused Anxiety, and undoing his work on the one he kept.

He turned to see Anxiety looked at him bewildered. ‘What- what are you doing?’

‘I guess the- Others didn’t show you how?’

Slowly, the side shook his head. ‘Well, I’m teaching you!’ And with that he carried on with his skills lesson.

After half an hour, Anxiety could tie a loose bow, sometimes, but it was definitely better than when they started. Patton chose not to comment on the slightly clumsy way the smaller side handled the laces, like his fingers weren’t following his instructions exactly.

Suddenly, they heard Logan and Roman enter the kitchen, talking loudly. Patton realised that they must have been here for quite a while, and was about to reach out and open the door when he felt something grab his sleeve.

As he turned, Anxiety let go as if he had been burnt. He kept his eyes on the floor before whispering so quietly Patton could barely hear him. ‘Would- would you mind not telling them? They- they don’t like having me around, and if Deciet and Remus found out...’ Anxiety’s fingers started to flick.

Patton took a moment before answering, ‘Of course.’ Anxiety looked relieved, before starting to sink out.

‘Could you answer one question?’ Patton blurted out.

The side paused, then answered in a small voice, ‘Yes.’

‘Have you hidden here before?’

The side looked scared, but nodded. ‘It...it feels like home.’

Patton smiled. ‘Feel free to come back anytime you like. I mean it. I’ll make sure the others don’t know. We don’t use this anyway.’ Anxiety looked surprised, before giving a small smile and sinking out.

Patton opened the door and entered the main room. Roman and Logan paused their conversation as Patton crawled out the cupboard.

‘Patton...?’

‘Yeah?’

‘What were you doing in the cupboard?’ Patton stood up and brushed himself off, trying to think of something.

‘Oh, um, it’s cosy under there, y’know? Makes you feel safe. It’s a nice private area. Good for thinking and hiding.’

What? It was all true.

Logan slowly nodded. ‘I suppose that makes sense. Perhaps it could be a private area for you, in times of stress?’

Patton beamed. ‘That would be great! Thank you!’

Roman bounced. ‘Of course! I must go construct my own hidey-hole, if you’ll excuse me!’

Patton laughed as he practically flew out the room, and Logan rolled his eyes.

Then he got to work.

***

Anxiety appeared in the cupboard late that night, relishing in the dark that wasn’t disturbed by pounding and screaming. It only took a moment for him to feel something different, however, and he quickly switched on the light.

He blinked.

There were three large, fluffy pillows, a thin but very comfy air mattress, and a thick duvet. Looking around he realised Morality must have manipulated the space to fit it all more comfortably.

As his eyes landed on something in the corner, his breath caught in his throat.

A black cat plushie that had seen him through meltdowns and overloads a-plenty sat in the corner.

He hadn’t expected to see it again after Remus tore it from him a year ago, claiming he was too old for toys, and should be thinking about-

He grabbed the cat and curled up, switching the light out to find that Patton had covered the ceiling with glow in the dark stars. Smiling, he drifted into sleep.

_ And if in years to come he acted like this never happened, then it was only because they never caught his glances towards the door when they insulted him, and they missed how easily the human mind can convince itself it was mistaken with the innocence of youth._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact- 
> 
> Autism affects fine and gross motor skills. Fine meaning things like doing up buttons and shoelaces (there was a lot of Velcro) and gross means bigger things like running. So many things make more sense in hindsight.
> 
> I didn’t learn to tie my laces until I was 10/11, but it wasn’t until I was 12/13 that we realised why we had so much trouble.
> 
> Some of us find small spaces comforting. In my case I would sometimes curl up under my bed. Then I got bigger, and I needed storage space. But some small spaces can feel protective.
> 
> Thanks for reading,
> 
> Cosette


	6. When One Door Closes...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil finally gets to talk to Patton about the ‘Shoelace Incident’ And the Cupboard Under The Stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there is anything you want me to cover about autism, eg a scenario or symptom that you’d like explained, please let me know.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has read this!

_They glanced around, checking the coast was clear before opening the door. They pulled in the pillows and bedding- black and grey gingham, not too overstated- and arranged it so that hopefully Anxiety would be comfortable. The air mattress quickly inflated, filling in the space. He placed the pillows in a suitable arrangement, and the duvet and blankets were organised to cover it. While they worked, they muttered about the Others, wondering why they had to be so cruel to the small side. Eventually satisfied, they switched off the light, left and shut the door._

_The door soon opened again. The side peered in- a human instinct was to sleep with the head away from the door, surely Anxiety would feel more comfortable that way? Yes, he would. They quickly rearranged it, so the pillows were at the other end. Then they set about with their task. _

_A box of glow in the dark stars slowly emptied as they covered the ceiling with them, the side laying on their back so they could get it just right, so Anxiety would be able to see them from the bed. Once convinced they had finished, they switched out the light, left and shut the door._

_There was a minute of silence._

_Then the door opened again._

_The side looked around at the cupboard and slowly nodded, before carefully placing a black cat plushie just inside the door- hopefully it would make Anxiety feel better. They hesitated, and waved a hand to manipulate the space, making it slightly less cramped but still cosy._

_At last, everything complete, they left and shut the door._

_Just a second later, Anxiety appeared, tears wet and cold on his cheeks, relishing in the dark. He felt something different, and switched on the lights..._

_The side outside saw the light flicker, but never said a word._

***

It was spring cleaning, and Virgil and Patton were in the living room and kitchen, attempting to clear up some of the clutter that accumulated when four conflicting personalities live together. 

Virgil was dusting the stairs when he passed the door, and took a moment to stop and remember. He took a breath, and opened the door.

Inside was his makeshift bed from when his bedroom was in the Other part of the Mindscape, the glow-in-the-dark stars and his old posters and drawings. He smiled sadly at the memories he had- particularly the meeting that led to it all.

Which reminded him-

‘Hey, Patton?’

‘Yeah, kiddo?’

‘I don’t think I ever thanked you.’

‘For what?’ 

Virgil stepped aside so he could see the space. Patton smiled. ‘You never needed to, Virgil. The look on your face was enough.’ 

‘Yeah, But- the bedding, and the decoration, and Velvet-‘

‘Velvet?’

Virgil looked sheepish before explaining. ‘My cat toy. Remus threw it out about a year before you found me in there. I thought I wouldn’t see it again.’

Patton gave a confused grin. ‘I love that you have a toy, and IT’S A CAT, but- I’ve never heard of it before.’ 

Virgil stares at him before running to his room and retrieving Velvet. The cat was slightly worn over years of service, but recognisable. 

Patton squealed. ‘Oh my gosh, that is just SO CUTE! But really- I’ve never seen it before.’ 

Virgil blinked. ‘Then how- how did it get there? I mean you put all the bedding and stars in-‘ 

‘Stars?’ 

Virgil gestured into the cupboard. ‘The glow-in-the-dark stars! On the ceiling!’ 

Patton looked, before facing Virgil. ‘I don’t know what to tell you, that wasn’t me either.’ 

‘Then who-‘ 

‘Did you know that the constellations of Orion and Scorpio are arranged so that Orion disappears when Scorpio is seen?’ 

Logan’s calm voice interrupted them. Both sides stared at him mouth open. Logan nodded. ‘Yes, it’s a reference to the Greek myth, where Orion meets his end by a scorpion sent by Gaia, the Earth Godess.’ Virgil ducked his head into the cupboard, and sure enough, there was Scorpio and Orion, arranges at opposite ends of the ceiling. Slowly he drew himself out, to see Logan unperturbed. 

‘Now, if you don’t mind, I will start to organise our books following the Dewey Decimal System.’ Logan started to leave, before Virgil called out.

‘Logan?’ 

Logan stopped.

‘Thank you.’ 

Logan nodded, and a ghost of a smile was present on his face. As he left, he spoke over his shoulder.

‘The cat does seem- comforting. Is it Patton’s?’

Virgil and Patton looked at each other. If Logan didn’t put Velvet there, and neither did Patton, then-

‘What’s got Spock smiling- oh.’

Roman stood in the door way, eyes flicking between Velvet and Virgil. Patton relaxed, before making an excuse to go help Logan, leaving the two alone. Roman fidgeted before speaking.

‘I- I’m sorry I didn’t say it out right. But- I went to see Remus one time, and he had it, so of course I asked where he got it, and when he said he took it from you and what he wanted to do with it, I- well I couldn’t let him do that so I took it and made him swear not to say. And when I saw Patton putting things in there, muttering to himself about the others, I- I guessed, and so I put it in there-Virgil, I want you to know that I’m so-‘

He was cut off by a tight hug. He looked down to see Virgil clutching to him, and wasted no time in hugging him back.

‘Thank you.’ The words were whispered into his chest but he heard them clear as day. 

He adjusted his arms to hold the smaller side closer. 

‘No- thank you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I wanted fluff. I’m in a good mood.


	7. Heaven Turned Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It ended with ginger beer and Cinderella, but how did it begin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter essentially goes over the events leading to Chapter One.
> 
> Any suggestions? Let me know!

_Shit. _

_This ain’t good._

Thomas was at a party at a friends house, it was bustling, full of people, fun, life-

_This isn’t good. _

Things had started off fine. They’d been in the Mindscape, Patton and Roman taking the lead while Thomas had a great time. Then they’d been summoned.

‘Guys! I have an idea!’

Vigil had stuffed his hands inside his pockets, and kept his eyes trained on the ground while Thomas had told them what he had in mind.

‘You guys work so hard as well- why don’t you have a wander around and enjoy the party?’

Roman had whooped, Patton had jumped up and down, and Logan had simply headed to find a quiet corner. Which in hindsight is exactly what Virgil should have done.

The music had a strong bass, blaring over the speakers, the room was practically vibrating. People rubbed up against one another, revelling in the close contact. A waft of cigarette smoke snuck in through the window, mingling with the heavy scent of various body sprays- roses, patchouli and jasmine mixing with mint and sweat. The lights were dim, save for a few strobe effects. It was an atmosphere you could get drunk on, and the others all seemed to be drinking it in.

He felt like he was choking.

His hand flew up to his collarbone-a small comfort- and his foot started to tap, a minor stim. He told himself that he was being ridiculous, that you were supposed to have fun at these things- but the crescendo of noise drowned it out. It hadn’t gotten louder, really- his brain just couldn’t handle it. Every time someone bumped into him, he tensed and curled up tighter, as if the light tap had been a punch.

He could feel himself getting hotter- the room had been warm before, but now it was unbearable, he was on fire-

His foot tapped faster. He watched it move, wondering when he had looked to the floor.

Heat and noise. His main hypersensitivities. _Fantastic. _

People were screaming with joy, and others were talking in his ear. One was trying to tell him something important, but he didn’t know what or who.

It was getting worse.

The music had been turned up, the bass making it past Virgil’s hands- they’d started to cover his ears at the screeching start of this song- and he was so hot and he couldn’t breathe- but he could, it’s strange- and his foot was moving but it wasn’t enough, and his eyes are on the floor and he’s hunched over, but the lights are shining in his eyes, bright then dark, and the smell- the sour roses, suffocating him-

Smell and Light have become sensitive.

This is gonna be bad.

He tries to find a corner, somewhere defensive but he’s stuck in the middle of the room, and people are touching him, and he’s doubling over from the sheer weight of it all, eyes squeezed shut, hands clasped over his ears- And he’s running- he’s running- and a small part of his mind reminds him that he’s at a party, head to the toilet, you can hide there, and he runs, and vaguely he’s aware he’s in the Mindscape but it doesn’t matter and he slams the door and sobs, his legs giving way against the wall, and he’s curled up, and the sobs are tearing out of him, and he’s gasping and gasping and sobbing, and small guttural sounds makes their way out his mouth.

Eventually he felt himself go limp, dimly aware that this was a bad one. He was still crying, his breathing irregular- but the sheer frustration and emotions he couldn’t name had left him. He sat there for a while, he didn’t know how long.

His breathing was better now. Almost normal.

A soft knock on the door.

‘Virgil?’

He moves his mouth to answer- his throat disobeys.

_Mute. Fuck. _

‘I’m going to come in, okay?’

_Do what you you like- I can’t answer_.

The door opened and Patton’s worried face appeared.

‘Virgil?’

_Hello Patton. _

‘Are you alright?’

_What does it look like. _

_Scratch that. I’m ok. But not. _

_This is a nightmare-_

‘Can I get you anything?’

_ I can’t think, can’t talk, can’t think, can’t talk- _

‘Im going to get you some water, okay? Then we’ll see if you feel like moving to somewhere more comfortable.’

_Fine._

***

Ginger beer acted as an elixir of life, Cinderella sent him to sleep, and the others were there.

Virgil finished his explanation the morning after, Logan making notes- the stimuli, the rating of this meltdown (a 9 on the 1-10 scale), early warnings etc. They discussed what could have been done to prevent the overload and subsequent meltdown, and while the others were adamant that Virgil shouldn’t have to put up with meltdowns this big, he just shrugged. It came with the territory. Was it a bad one? Yes. Would it be the last? No. Could they have minimised it or prevented it? Probably. Was he going to focus on it too much?...hopefully not.

But for now, a quiet day in, movies and popcorn. Logan and Patton curled up, with Virgil in the middle and Roman on his other side.

If only Virgil could stop his leg moving whenever Roman brushed him, that would be great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Based off my worst experiences~ 
> 
> This is based off one of my scale 9 meltdowns. It means I get to the point where things that I’m not normally that hypersensitive to (smell and light) become an issue. I haven’t had one of these in a while (yay). At some point I might write a chapter describing a scale 10...
> 
> If there is anything you want me to write about or explain, please let me know x


	8. Questions, Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a boring night around the television, until Virgil pulls out his party trick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the end note- There is an important translation!! 
> 
> Is this self indulgent? Just a touch. 
> 
> If there is anything you want me to cover, please let me know x

It was the end of a long day, and the four had piled together on the sofa. After playing Rock Paper Scissors, they had finally decided on what to watch.

Patton wanted Steven Universe.

Roman wanted Disney.

Virgil wanted them to pick already.

Logan had won, and he had chosen...

‘A quiz show?’ Roman groaned.

‘If it’s not to your liking, I could always put on a documentary-‘

‘This is fine!’

Round one started, and they started asking questions. Roman rolled his eyes. ‘Facts? Why can’t we watch something a little more fun?’

‘This is fun.’ Replies Logan, his eyes never leaving the screen.

‘_What King changed the name of the British Royal family to Windsor?’_

Roman looked confused. ‘What does that even-‘

_‘George V.’_

They all turned to stare. Even Logan.

Because it was Virgil who had answered, his hood drawn up and looking straight ahead.

Logan cleared his throat.‘How do you know that?’

Virgil shrugged. ‘It was changed in 1917 from Saxe-Coburg, Britain was at war with Germany, they didn’t want to have a German name. They named themselves after Windsor castle.’

Before anyone could speak, the tv spoke up.

_‘I’m sorry, that was incorrect. You said ‘Why Should I Know’ the correct answer was George V! Care to explain, Richard?’_

_‘Certainly Alex. The name was changed to Windsor from Saxe-Coburg in 1917 due to the ongoing war with Germany. The current Royal Family has German heritage, but it was seen as inappropriate for them to have a surname from the country they were fighting. They chose ‘Windsor’, as Windsor Castle was the favourite residence of the Royals.’_

They gaped at Virgil, who merely shrugged. ‘I knew one, don’t overreact.’

Roman smirked, and silently summoned a scoreboard on the wall behind the sofa.

_‘Next question! How many times was Henry VIII married?’_

Logan answered promptly. ‘Six wives, six marriages.’

‘Nope.’

All eyes were on Virgil again. He snuggled further into his hoodie before replying. ‘The Catholic Church doesn’t recognise divorce, and so his second marriage didn’t count, none of them did until his first wife died. The Church of England recognised the divorces, but a few were annulled, so-‘

‘So?’ Logan was watching him with wide eyes.

‘-technically there were only legally two marriages.’

_‘You said ‘six’, and I can tell you that you are-‘_

Everyone held their breath-

_‘Incorrect! The answer is two! Care to explain, Richard?’_

_‘Sure Alex! Due to the intricacies of divorces and annulments by the conflicting branches of Christianity- Roman Catholicism and the Protestant Church of England-‘_

‘We get it!’ Logan seemed exasperated. Roman and Patton giggled.

A little bit later, it was Roman’s turn.

_‘Next round- Musical Theatre!’_

‘YES!’ Roman yelled. ‘You are going down!’

Virgil merely smirked.

_‘Which musical was originally written as a commission for a school before becoming the second West End hit for young writers Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice?’_

Roman’s smile faltered. ‘Um...Lloyd Webber...Rice...oh...Jesus Christ Superstar?’

By this point Virgil was buried in his hoodie. ‘Joesph and his Amazing Technicolour Dream Coat.’

_‘ Joesph and his Amazing Technicolour Dream Coat!’_

_‘Who was the costume designer for the original production of The Phantom of the Opera?’_

‘What kind of a question is that?!’

‘Maria Björnson.’ 

_’Maria Björnson!’_

_‘What was the name of the play written by Bertolt Brecht and Kurt Weill, that was first performed in 1928, based on the English classic ‘The Beggar’s Opera’?’_

‘Does opera even count as musical theatre?!’

‘First modern musical is often seen as Showboat in 1927, Brecht’s version wasn’t an opera, it used mostly jazz music and had spoken dialogue-‘

‘And I suppose you know the name?’

‘It’s The Threepenny Opera.’

_‘The Threepenny Opera!’_

‘Would’ve thought you’d known that one Princey, that’s where the song ‘Mac the Knife’ comes from.’

‘Thanks, V.’ 

***

Two hours and many shows later the scores were as follows:

Patton- 4

Roman- 9

Logan- 17

Virgil-

‘EIGHTEEN?!’

‘I was lucky with the topics-‘

‘It’s true he’d know more about MCR than Logan-‘

‘But- HOW. You outwitted the human computer over here!’

For the first time that evening, Virgil uncurled from his hoodie. He stretched before standing up. He turned to see all three waiting expectantly. He shrugged.

‘Aspie thing I guess.’

He smirked before turning away and walking out the room, the only noise being Roman’s shout-

‘HEY, NO FAIR-‘

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note on a slang term:
> 
> ‘Aspie’ 
> 
> This is a slightly controversial piece of slang used by those on the Spectrum. Aspie is short for Asperger Syndrome, one of the discontinued names for the old branches of autism. It’s short and sweet, and for some is a term of endearment.
> 
> However. Proceed with caution. If you are not on the Spectrum, avoid using it. Not all Autistics have Aspergers- some people think it is derogatory. Personally, I like it; it sounds a lot less cold and formal than my full diagnosis. 
> 
> One of the stereotypes around autism is the ‘super crazy mental skills’. This stems from two places; one, Savant Syndrome, which some people on the Spectrum also have, and ‘obsessions’.
> 
> I’ll cover the obsessions another time, but many Autistics have a memory for random facts...I once won a family board game by reciting every Doctor Who from William Hartnell to Peter Capaldi! 
> 
> So long,
> 
> Cosette
> 
> P.S. the game show presenters are named after Richard Osman and Alexander Armstrong


	9. For My Eyes Only

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is up late, and Logan knows that Virgil’s habits are bad for him...
> 
> Or are they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I went back and realised that there was a phrase that appeared in passing that I never explained. Sorry, and here is the explanation.

Virgil tapped away on his phone, making a point of ignoring the time. His light was still on, shining under his door.

The others wouldn’t notice. They’d be in bed by now.

‘VIRGIL!’

Apparently not.

Virgil sighed before getting up and heading over to open his door. On the other side was- an empty corridor. Oh, wait, three heads sticking out of ajar doors, never mind.

‘Yeah? What?’

Logan adjusted his glasses (oh no). ‘You are awake.’

‘And so are you.’ 

Logan straightened, and his door opened slightly more, revealing he was in his onesie. Virgil tried to hide a smile.

‘I was about to go to sleep,’ Logan paused to shoot a glare down to Roman’s head, ‘when I saw that there was still light coming from under your door. As I am sure you are aware, you need to sleep soon in order to maintain your circadian rhythm, and less sleep means more meltdowns-‘

Virgil raises his hands in surrender. ‘Alright, alright, I’m just sorting some stuff out.’ 

Logan’s eyes drifted to the phone in Virgil’s hands. ‘Would that ‘stuff’ be on your phone?’

Virgil stuffed it in his pocket. ‘Maybe.’

‘Virgil, that will make it harder for you to sleep-‘ 

‘-what if it’s helping me sleep?’

Logan stopped with his mouth open, before shutting it. ‘I- do not understand.’

Virgil leaned against the doorframe. ‘You see a lot in the day, and- my brain processes it differently. If I just ‘go to bed’ it all starts replaying over and over, and I can’t sleep. So- I write stim notes.’

A moment of silence.

Virgil sighed, thinking of a way to explain. Really, he needed to get to bed. 

‘Stimming is what I do to release excess energy, right? Well, when I’m lying in bed, my stimming keeps me awake, and it’s triggered by everything that’s happened throughout the day. In really bad cases, I can have minor meltdowns.’ He paused, fingering his phone. 

‘So I write notes on my phone. Write out the scene from that film that I just saw that I can remember almost word for word, theories, rants, ideas for my own stories or other ways other people’s stories could have gone. Alternatives, things my brain does rather than sleep. I write them during the day as well, and they could be about anything. A lot of the time they are mostly dialogue, no direction in between-‘

‘But why write them on your phone?’ Logan interrupted uncertainly. 

Virgil shrugged. ‘People don’t notice another person on their phone, a notebook would stand out. I can keep notes in case I need to use them to help me stim, organise them. Some even become stories. But others- it helps me hide them.’

Roman frowned. ‘Why hide them?’

‘Some are really embarrassing, and a lot are mostly dialogue. I mean, some aren’t, some I could add it to and then I guess they could come under fan fiction...but I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’

Roman starting bouncing. ‘Could you- I don’t know- write any about your experiences?’

‘Duh, Princey, that’s basically what half of them are about.’

Logan interrupted again. ‘Thank you for sharing this with us Virgil, I understand. Try not to stay up too late, though.’

Virgil saluted. ‘Will do.’ 

He closed his door.

***

Inside his room, Virgil flicked through his stim notes. Yeah, a lot were embarrassing- what possessed him to fixate on that??- but some were- ok.

Not that he’d post any of these yet. Maybe...maybe he could write a new set. 

There was a Les Mis one he needed to write- oh, and yet another Merlin one...and...

He opened up notes and started to write.

_‘Empty._

_That’s how he felt. As if someone had drained him of everything that kept him going, pouring it out of him like water from a jug...’_

His light stayed on late that night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This just reached 300 hits. 
> 
> THANK YOU!!
> 
> While I didn’t have a Roman to encourage me, I did have a debate with myself. These are, in fact, my stim notes. While later chapters are more controlled, I’m still venting and writing about things I don’t normally write about. This is also why they are mostly dialogue- my notes are made for me to read and replay, so I have tried to adapt them for others to follow too.


	10. Binding Chains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the stimming just won’t stop, and desperation comes knocking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything you want to know? Let me know and I’ll write a chapter. Got any questions, or want any information? Leave a message and I might be able to help, I can provide links or just give an honest answer.

Virgil panted, glaring at his hands.

Y’know, cos he couldn’t exactly glare at his brain.

His hands had been working overtime on the stimming for the past week, and it was getting ridiculous. It was at times like this that he hated the fact that he stunned near his face.

Red, swollen noses were not a good look, and having to remember to cut his nails short to not accidentally scratch himself was a pain. 

When it got bad, make up was an emo’s best friend.

It generally got bad because there was something to be stressed about- a deadline, or an upcoming social event, or-

_No. That train of thought can stop right now. _

Anyway, a video was due, and Virgil was trying to do his bit, but every time he tried to focus- his hands took over.

He couldn’t even shrink his stim- move his leg, or fiddle with a string on his hoodie. 

This was war. Civil war.

Fighting his own hands. Jesus Christ.

Another round of breathing exercises helped him slow his hands, but he knew that once he tried to work they would too. 

A thought flashed through his mind. It had worked before-

_No. You promised Patton you wouldn’t and you won’t. _

_Desperate times call for desperate measures. _

Virgil turned away from his computer, nose numb, and over to a box. He hesitated before opening it. 

Inside, a pile of costume jewellery Patton and Roman had given him. Mostly suitably emo stuff, but also-

He gently picked up the plastic rope of pearls, the pinks and whites catching the light, making them seem as if they were glowing.

Slowly, Virgil ran the pearls through his fingers

He raised one hand, clutching one end, and-

‘Virgil?’ 

‘Just a minute!’ He winced at how his voice had cracked. He threw the pearls on his bed and opened the door to find Roman there.

The other side looked concerned. ‘Virge? You ok?’ 

Virgil opened his mouth to reply, but no sound came out. He looked at his feet, his vision blurring with tears. 

‘Virgil? Hey, come on, it’s ok-‘

Roman shut the door and guided Virgil over to sit on the bed, his eyes drifting to the laptop open on the latest project and the discarded pearls. He quickly put two and two together.

‘Virgil, you don’t need to hide that your having a- an intense period. You said you wouldn’t do it again-‘

Virgil flushed scarlet. ‘But it worked that time! Yeah, I only got forty minutes, but it worked!’

‘It’s not-‘

‘Not what? Do you know what it’s like to fight your own hands when you want to get something done? Studying? Bye bye time. Social situation where I’m having fun for once? My hands won’t leave me alone. Anything at all? I need a shed ton of concealer to hide how red I am. So is it so bad to want to make it stop?’

The tears had escaped Virgil’s eyes and were streaming down his face. Roman looked on sadly.

‘I know you’re frustrated Virgil, but-‘ he took a deep breath.

‘But tying your fingers together isn’t a good idea.’

Virgil sniffed and shifted. ‘Yeah, I know’ he whispered. 

Roman stood and leaned over to the laptop. He saved Virgil’s work before shutting the lid. He turned back to a bewildered Virgil and offered a hand up. 

‘I’m going to help you clean up slightly, then we are going to head into the commons, watch a crappy tv show, drink Diet Coke and eat cookie dough ice cream. Sound good?’

Virgil looked over to the laptop. ‘What about-‘

‘You’re not getting anywhere.’ Roman interrupted. ‘So you might as well leave it until tomorrow and use this time to recover.’ 

Virgil gave a small nod and let Roman help him. He felt so tired, and was relieved when Roman handed him a wet flannel to wash his face. He went to look in the mirror but Roman pulled him out the bathroom. ‘Nope. You’ll just stress about how you look. Not doing that.’ 

‘You sound like Patton.’

‘Is that a bad thing in this situation?’

‘...I guess not.’

They both cracked small smiles, before heading out into the commons.

***

Later, Virgil grinned stupidly as he landed on his bed. Yeah, it had taken him a while to relax, but Princey had been there to put an arm around him and ground him.

Virgil shifted as he felt something dig in to his side. Sighing, he reached to pick up the offending object.

The pearl rope. 

Virgil dangled it from his fingers.

He got up, locked it in the jewellery case, and went to bed.

He knew this wasn’t the last time this would happen, or that he’d be tempted to try and stop it, no matter how impossible that might be.

But he knew he wouldn’t be alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello
> 
> Updates can be a touch sporadic, sorry. 
> 
> This gap was brought to you by An Intense Stimming Week.
> 
> This chapter was brought to you by An Intense Stimming Week.
> 
> Hope you enjoy, and thanks for reading! 
> 
> Cosette


	11. A Peculiar Foe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s present time! But there’s one problem...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope that you’ve either learnt something, have been able to relate to this or even just simply enjoyed it!
> 
> Anything you want me to cover? Got any questions you need a straight honest answer to? Let me know in the comments!

‘Open it! Open it!’ 

Virgil rolled his eyes good naturedly as he started to unwrap the present. It was the anniversary of his name reveal, and the others had all ‘surprised’ him with gifts, as they did every year.

He received a notebook from Logan (‘for adapting your stim notes or angsty sonnets’), And it was Patton’s gift now. 

He carefully undid the string and pulled apart the brown paper (used for his anniversary as it a) looks awesome, b) doesn’t leave glitter everywhere).

Inside was a pair of jeans and a black long sleeved t-shirt, with the logo of MCR made out of purple sequins.

_Oh no._

_Tell the truth._

He smiled. ‘Thanks Pat, I love them!’

_Idiot._

Patton beamed. ‘Aw thank you kiddo!’

Virgil looked to Princey, who had a mysterious look on his face. Roman saw him looking and grinned. ‘I’ll give you your present...after you’ve put on your new clothes!’

Virgil’s heart sank.

He kept his face happy, gathering the jeans and and t-shirt and retreating to his room, shutting the door behind him.

He quickly searched the room for scissors, but could find none.

He laid the items out on the bed and took a deep breath before getting changed.

_Nope nope nope-_

He squeezed his eyes shut at the feeling, trying to keep his breathing even.

He could could deal with this. He would be fine.

He straightened up and headed out to see the others.

***

‘Aw, you look so good!’ 

Virgil forced himself to smile more. ‘Thanks Patton- well chosen.’

He tactfully ignored the alarm bells going off in his head.

They produced a cake, Roman acting innocent as if he wasn’t hiding a box wrapped with a red ribbon behind his back.

Virgil day and smiled like he was supposed to, complimenting Patton’s baking- red velvet with vanilla, just as he liked it.

He would enjoy this a whole lot more if-

‘Virge? You okay?’ Roman looked concerned.

‘Yeah, fine. Why?’

Logan adjusted his glasses.  _(Uh Oh)_ _._ ‘You seem...distant. A little uncomfortable.’

Virgil pretended to be confused. ‘Why would I be uncomfortable?’

Patton day next to him. ‘You look like...like you’re a little overloaded. Do you want to take a break?’ 

Virgil opened his mouth to insist he was fine- a break would only make this worse- but couldn’t bring himself to lie.

Patton noticed his hesitation. ‘Virgil? Whatever it is, you can tell us. We’ll try and understand-‘ he broke off, searching Virgil’s face for clues.

Suddenly, he gathered the courage to just say it.

‘They’rerealjeansandsequins.’

He took a breath, looking up into the bewildered faces of the others. He ducked his head and repeated what he had said slowly and clearly.

‘They’re real jeans and sequins.’

He felt so ashamed. How could he be defeated by a bundle of denim, for God’s sake. 

Logan and Patton pulled out chairs and sat down.

_I guess we’re doing this._

‘I’m hypersensitive- that is, over sensitive, to certain things, noise and heat mainly but- also touch.’ He kept his eyes on his knees, his arms pulled across himself.

‘Jeans- jeans are uncomfortable. Denim jackets, sure, they’re loose, but jeans? No. They stimulate me too much.’

Logan had his notebook out and was asking a question. ‘But you wear jeans...everyday. Do you overstimulate yourself on a daily basis?’ 

Virgil huffed a laugh. ‘They’re not jeans. They’re jeggings- leggings made to look like jeans.’

Logan was scribbling. ‘And the sequins?’

Virgil ducked his head again. ‘Sequins...have to be sewn on. The stitching scratches. Even when there is a price of cloth to cover it- it’s still uncomfortable.’ His cheeks were going red, he knew it. ‘I didn’t even have scissors to remove the labels to make it a little bit more comfortable.’ 

He rubbed at his arms. The seams in this shirt were stiff as well- the material wasn’t fantastic either, it was all wrong, why-

He heard someone snap their fingers and the feelings stopped, leaving a tingle where the sensitivity had been.

His shirt was now cotton, the seams smaller and smoother. The sequins had been replaced with a simple print, and the jeans felt like his jeggings-

Roman gave him a small smile. ‘That better?’

Virgil nodded in awe. He rubbed his arms and legs to try and hurry along the tingling feeling, grateful for the comfort.

Patton breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Well, kiddo, I’ll check with you in the future- maybe next time we could design it together!’ His eyes were shining with excitement, and Virgil had to laugh. 

‘That sounds great Patton, thanks.’ He turned to the cake. ‘Now, haven’t we got something important to take care of?’

And while they ate, the small box wrapped in brown paper with a red ribbon sat behind them, waiting for the right time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is in the box? Could it be my first planned plot point? 
> 
> Not all autistics have the same issues. Some prefer loose clothing, others prefer stuff that hugs you. For example, I’m fine wearing tights, whereas I know some aren’t, including a famous opera singer. I’ve starting wearing trousers recently, and cotton is a godsend. I also wear a lot of skirts and dresses, as they’re more comfortable.
> 
> One pair of jeggings that I pretend are jeans. 
> 
> Not fond of them, but Virgil wears jeans so I had to explain. I’ve tried on multiple pairs of jeans that fit me- yeah, didn’t go well...
> 
> As for sequins;
> 
> It was common when I was little for kids to wear those shirts with big sequined patterns on. For my birthday I’d get tons of them, and I could never wear any of them.
> 
> When I go shopping, I prefer smaller places, and I feel everything before I try it on, to eliminate things that I know will over stimulate me. Air conditioned changing rooms help loads. 
> 
> Cosette x


	12. Virgil’s List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil makes a list of things around his AS that have made him happy recently. 
> 
> And Roman adds his view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to request topics to cover- it doesn’t matter how vague or what on x

_List of Things That Made Me Happy_** (and** **a few extras from Prince Charming) **

_1\. I managed to order food by myself without getting tongue tied twice this week_

_2\. I used public transport on my own for the first time this year_

_3\. I am able to experiment more with hair and makeup over the past few months without triggering hypersensitivities _

_4\. Identity is feeling slightly stronger_

_5\. Am able to mask for longer while draining less energy_ **(you really need to** **write a chapter on this)**

_6\. Awareness campaign is gaining traction._

_7\. Met a really nice shop assistant who was wearing two autism awareness pins on their lanyard today- I need to look into this_

_8\. Sense of style has greatly improved, plus got a friend to teach me make up _ **(Iwill makeyou realise that eyeshadow can be used _on_ your eyelids)** ****

_9\. A supermarket set up a scheme using lanyards to help indicate hidden disabilities to staff, including Autism._

_10...I can’t think of a ten yet. I’ll come back and add on to this list._

**10\. While somewhat out of it at 2am confided in friend about this work, who found it in under a minute and read the entire thing. **

_ROMAN WHAT- _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this was so late and so short. I have two chapters in the works, and this was created because the one that was due next just wouldn’t come out right. The other one is the 20th chapter. A little while to go...
> 
> So my friend found out. Elements of her can be found in Patton, Logan and Roman. No clue if she’s ever going to read this again (never watched Sanders Sides), but thanks for not laughing. Or for waiting until I was asleep.
> 
> I’ve had a low week, and this is what I do to point out the positives to myself instead of focusing on the people who don’t get it. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has left Kudos, bookmarked, subscribed and commented!
> 
> GoingDeceased- you make my day every time you comment, it’s nice to have someone to compare with. Reminds me I’m not alone.
> 
> As always, if there is anything you would like me to cover, let me know in the comments- whether it’s something you experience you want my take on or if it’s something you want to understand about people on the spectrum. 
> 
> So long,
> 
> Cosette


	13. Walk On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to a few years ago- when a friend shattered his world...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Topic requests open as always- please read the end note as well. 
> 
> Songs used that I recommend listening to-
> 
> Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis
> 
> You’ll Never Walk Alone from Carousel

Virgil sat on the edge of his bed, tears damp on his cheeks. For once this wasn’t a meltdown. He felt disjointed, distant- 

He vaguely acknowledged he might be in shock. 

It had just seemed like a fairly normal day; he’d been running behind, not having time to do his eyeshadow. He’d gotten to their room and sure, they’d seemed a little bit off, but they were, well- y’know.

Then they’d sat him down, and told him. 

Not to see them again. Not to come round-

And as he left in tears, refusing to stay for one last visit, the thoughts, reasons and excuses, one thing surfaced-

_I never told him. _

_I’ve known him my entire life and I never told him about my diagnosis._

Virgil has been scared, that’s why. Terrified how he’d react, against his better judgement. Comments had hurt, but if they’d known- it would have cut deeper. 

Shakily he stood, wiping his tears with his sleeve. Patton was waiting outside the door, a kind shoulder- let’s be honest, this wasn’t the last time he’d cry over this.

But it would get better. 

It had to. 

***

When he opened the door, he was met not just by Patton, but Logan and Roman as well. They didn’t say anything, but when a small sob shook him once again, they simply wrapped their arms around him.

They didn’t demand an explanation. They didn’t threaten the person who had done this. They just held him close, eventually sinking to the floor.

Though his throat was dry, Virgil hummed- it had always worked to soothe him before. 

_Hold up, _

_Hold on, _

_Don’t be scared,_

_You’ll never change what’s been and done._

The song was the one he usually sang to himself after meltdowns- the song closest to how he felt now was too painful to sing out loud. 

He felt Roman shift, and Virgil felt a small smile appear on his face. He didn’t know if Roman had recognised the song, but he guessed that he would listen to it.

He wasn’t expecting him to hum his own tune.   
  


_When you walk through a storm,_

_Hold your head up high,_

_And don’t be afraid of the dark._

_At the end of the storm is a golden sky,_

_And the sweet silver song of a lark._

Virgil swallowed and resumed the humming.

_May your smile _

_shine on,_

_Don’t be scared_

_You’ll never change what’s been and gone..._

Roman picked up the tune, not caring that the melodies clashed.

_Walk on through the wind,_

_Cause of all the stars are fading away..._

_Walk on through the rain,_

_Just try not to worry, you’ll see them someday..._

_Though your dreams be tossed and blown,_

_Just take what you need..._

_Walk on, Walk on, _

_And be on your way_

_with hope in your heart,_

_And stop crying your heart out_

_And you’ll never walk alone..._

_We’re all of us stars_

_Walk on through the wind,_

_We’re fading away_

_Walk on through the rain,_

_Just try not to worry, you’ll see us someday..._

_Though your dreams be tossed and blown,_

_Just take what you need..._

_Walk on, Walk on, _

_And be on your way_

_with hope in your hea_rt,

_And stop crying your heart out_

_And you’ll never walk alone..._

_Stop crying your heart out..._

_You’ll never walk alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet again I apologise for a short chapter- the chapter content is why. 
> 
> This happened on the 30th of October to me with a family member- it affected others as well, one more than me, but it still hit me hard.
> 
> I won’t explain why they did it, it’s a long disturbing story twenty years in the making. All I’ve heard since is how it isn’t my fault- I’m trying to tell myself that. 
> 
> I loved them. I never told them about my diagnosis. I’m never going to see them again, and they’ll never know.
> 
> For the Neurotypicals reading this, I can only presume you got this far because you at least want to understand us (or you like Prinxiety, one of the two). If someone kept their diagnosis hidden from you, please be understanding. 
> 
> And to all-
> 
> Never be ashamed of who you are. Never be ashamed of your diagnosis, race, sexuality, or anything you can’t help. 
> 
> If it will hurt you for someone to know, and it’s best to keep it quiet, and you are comfortable with it, do. 
> 
> But if someone outright rejects you for it- then that’s them. It is not your fault at all. 
> 
> Hold your head high, don’t be afraid, and know you are not alone. 
> 
> Cosette


	14. Confident, Suave, and Charming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas has to know his lines off by heart tomorrow...leaving Roman in a bit of a sticky situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requests open as always x

‘This is a DISASTER!’

‘Now now Roman, it could be worse-‘

‘HOW could it be WORSE?! We need to be OFF-BOOK by TOMORROW- AND I CAN’T REMEMBER MY LINES!!’

Roman had been alternating between draping himself over furniture like a Romantic-era poet, marching around the room gesticulating wildly, and burying his face in the sofa.

He was currently busy with the latter.

Patton was next to him, patiently trying to calm him down. ‘Don’t worry- perhaps one of the others knows.’

Roman lifted his head slightly. ‘Really?’

‘Yep.’

Logan said he had no care for the make believe. When asked if he could remember them, Deciet said ‘Yes’, and Roman was celebrating until he remembered that the side he was talking to was- y’know, Deciet. Remus knew them, but refused to recite anything other than his rewritten version, in which the death count rose from zero to the entire cast.

Which left Roman once again buried on the sofa, with Patton beside him- who had freely admitted earlier that he didn’t know them.

Roman groaned. ‘Why can’t I remember them? If I don’t know them, Thomas is going to look so bad tomorrow- and what if I can’t learn them in time for the show? It’s only a few weeks away- I’m going to let down Thomas-‘

‘Stop it.’ Patton cut in. ‘Leave the worrying to-‘ he froze, eyes wide.

‘I can’t STOP worrying Patton! It doesn’t work that way! I can’t even get past the second line, for heavens sake-‘

In true Princey fashion, he started to sing to prove his point.

_‘Every afternoon when the clocks strike four...A bunch of crazy kids burst through that door.._.’ he sighed. ‘Patton I just can’t-‘

‘_They throw off their coats and leave the squares behind, and then they shake it shake it shake it like they’re losing their minds, you’ll never see them frown, ‘cause-‘_

‘_They’re the nicest kids in town_.’ Roman finished, before wheeling around to see Virgil smirking in the doorway. ‘How- how do you know that?!’ He stammered.

Virgil shrugged. ‘You played _Hairspray_ for weeks, I was going to remember it.’

‘I played it maybe twice loud enough for you to hear.’

‘So? Good memory, remember?’ He ducked his head then smirked again. ‘Anyway, I’m not the one who needs to know it, you are.’ He glanced up. ‘Why are you both looking at me like that?’  


***

‘This is a terrible idea.’

‘It’s a brilliant idea.’

‘Just because it’s your idea- that doesn’t make it brilliant.’

‘I’ll let that slide. Besides, it wasn’t my idea, it was Patton’s.’

‘...this is still a bad idea.’

‘You’ll be fine.’

‘This character is supposed to be confident, suave, charming-‘

‘And?’

‘Do you even know me?’

‘It’s acting, JDelightful.’

‘That’s an old nickname, which means you’re worried too.’

‘You’ll be fine.’

‘Is putting Anxiety front and centre for a performance really a good idea?’ 

‘...we’ll find out.’ 

***

It was late when Logan heard singing coming from the living room. 

‘_So every afternoon drop everything!’_

_ ‘Who needs to read and write when you can dance and sing!’ _

_ ‘Forget about your algebra and calculus-‘ _

_ ‘You can always do your homework on the morning bus-‘ _

_‘Can’t tell a verb from a noun-‘_

Both yelled together ‘ _’CAUSE THEY’RE THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN!’_

Logan called down. ‘Virgil? Roman? If you would stop singing such ridiculous ideas at this hour and go to bed, that would be much more useful.’

There was a pause. Then-

_‘WHO CARES ABOUT SLEEP WHEN YOU CAN SNOOZE IN SCHOOL, THEY’LL NEVER GET TO COLLEGE BUT THEY’LL SURE LOOK COOL, DON’T NEED A CAP AND A GOWN, WHEN THEY’RE THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN!’_

Logan shook his head and headed back off to bed. If he’d have waited, he might have heard what came next.

***

‘V?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Thanks for covering for me today.’

‘No problem.’

‘And for helping me learn the lines.’

‘Anytime Princey.’

‘And V?’

‘Yes?’

‘You said you weren’t confident, suave and charming-‘

‘And?’

‘You were wrong.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed something light hearted, and I’ve got Hairspray stuck in my head.
> 
> Voila. 
> 
> (The character Thomas is playing is Corny Collins.) 
> 
> Thanks again for reading, and feel free to request I cover something- whether you are autistic or not. I’m planning a chapter on masking, plus the 19th and 20th chapters are planned (sort of). So that’s three chapters that I need to write soon with no idea of what they will be. 
> 
> See you (hopefully) soon,
> 
> Cosette


	15. Don’t Let Them Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil has a secret- but is it a secret?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave topics you want me to cover in comments, and thanks for reading! 
> 
> Also, have you seen the new Sanders Asides? What do you think? Xx

Eyes down.

Virgil diligently kept his eyes on his knees.

‘Virgil? You alright?’

Virgil raised his head to meet Patton’s concerned eyes. ‘Yeah, fine. Why?’

‘You were looking down. I was wondered if you were getting overloaded.’

Virgil shook his head. ‘Just thinking.’ He watched as Patton’s expression relaxed, Logan nodded minutely, and Roman-

He ducked his head again, focusing on his jeggings. And fiddling with the strings of his hoodie. And his cuff.

Anything except Roman.

He thought back to the book he’d been reading. While he was glad for the advice it had given him, he wondered if he was being a little, well- paranoid.

‘If they like a Male, they can be extremely, noticeably awkward in their attempts to let him know’

For the fourth time that day, he pulled his line of sight from Roman. How much was too much? When was it classed as staring? Does he know already? Oh god, what if he does?! Does he hate him? What if-

‘Virgil?’

Oh shit.

Virgil looked up to see Roman waiting for a reaction. ‘Yeah?’

‘I was wondering if you could help me with something.’

‘...me help you?’

‘Why not?’

‘Because we are practically opposites?’

‘And yet you knew every line and lyrics to Hairspray.’

‘What do you need?’

‘Well-‘

Roman proceeded to share every detail for his next project, waving his hands around, his voice booming around the room. Every now and again he’d stop for input, and Virgil would give it to him- nervously at first, but gradually growing more confident.

They talked for hours. At some point Logan and Patton has left, and when they realised, couldn’t bring themselves to care. At some point they ended up on the same sofa, so close together.

And at some point, Roman was forced to concede that Virgil really was oblivious to the hints he kept dropping.

He’d tried everything low key romantic; glances his way, asking him for help, personal compliment going slightly beyond platonic, bonding while alone...nada. Nothing. He knew Virgil struggled with social cues, particularly ones he hadn’t ha a chance to learn- but he really kept missing all of it.

Finally, conversation lulled. Virgil’s hands flicked lazily, and Roman watched. When he saw him looking, Virgil pulled his hands into his hoodie sleeves, causing Roman to straighten.

‘You don’t have to do that, you know.’

Virgil shot him a look. ‘Do what?’

‘Hide it. At least when it’s just us. I know about it.’

He considered it for a moment. ‘I guess it’s instinct by now, as much as the stimming itself- do it, hide it.’

‘Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know?’

Virgil huffed a laugh. ‘Yeah, guess I’m Elsa.’

‘And Harry Potter in the muggle world. And the Doctor trying to blend in with humans. Oh! And Merlin from that BBC show-‘

Virgil slapped a hand over Roman’s mouth, before panicking slightly and trying to hide that fact that he was panicking slightly. He pulled his hands back into his sleeves, his eyes low.

‘I don’t like hiding it much.’ He said quietly. ‘It can be annoying for me, and it’s a giveaway- some people can tell, and so I don’t get to tell them myself, to look them in the eye and let them know that I’m proud.’

Roman let the words was over him, and paused to ponder them.

It was Virgil that broke the silence. ‘I’m starving- wanna go sneak Walnut Whips past Patton and Logan?’

Roman jumped up. ‘Would I ever say no?’

***

Much, much later, Roman returned to his room, still mulling over Virgil’s words. He summoned a piece of paper and a pencil, and cleared a space at his desk.

It was a small thing, really- tied up with a bow and done, but if there was any chance it would help at all, then it was worth it.

Pencil hit paper. It was going to be a long night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a few things to say:
> 
> 1\. I am so sorry this is late
> 
> 2\. Thank you all for commenting and leaving kudos, it means the world to me
> 
> 3\. Walnut Whips are amazing, but I still take the walnut off.
> 
> 4\. Section in italics is from ‘Aspergirls’ by Rudy Simone, the table I got it from can be found online under images. This is the table that I used to figure out if I had enough symptoms to be diagnosed. I find it best the cherrypick the rest of the book though- it can be a little negative at times, particularly from the point of view of a teenager. 
> 
> 5\. Staring tip- count three seconds. That’s when people notice apparently. 
> 
> 6\. Characters mentioned are other ones I project on to. 
> 
> 7\. Conversation near the end based on real ones- friends telling me not to hide, and me ranting to my mum. 
> 
> Ok, so, crap has happened. I won’t go into it, but I’m having an amazing time and a terrible time simultaneously. (Please are ‘Binding Chains’ and ‘Walk On’ for more details).
> 
> I also realised while writing this that I keep in British terms for stuff- if you are from the US, do you say ‘sofa’? Or is it just couch? Also, no clue if walnut whips are over there, they’re fairly retro over here from what I can tell. 
> 
> After that ramble, there is something of a plot here (I hope). 
> 
> As always, If there is anything you want me to cover, let me know in the comments and I’ll see what I can do.
> 
> See you (hopefully) soon,
> 
> Cosette


	16. Borrowed Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman needs to prepare Virgil’s anniversary present- but has run into some creative difficulties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, requests open x

Roman was frustrated.

After his conversation with Virgil, he’d attempted to use his skills to make something that would help him, but so far all he’d managed to create was an overflowing waste paper basket.

He’d drawn a blank, and just as he’d had the idea to trawl the internet for inspiration, it had run out of battery. 

Sighing, he stood and stretched, heading to the others room. He didn’t want to give away the surprise- he intended for this to be a gift for Virgil’s anniversary- but currently Virgil was the the only inspiration available.

He blushed as he realised how that sounded.

He knocked, hearing a muffled ‘Come In’, and entered. 

It seemed Virgil had been doing a little creative work of his own; papers were strewn across his desk, and the side himself was laying flopped across his bed, a dopey smirk on his face. 

‘Heya, Princey. What can I help you with?.’ He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths, clearly relaxed. It was nice to see.

‘Hey V.’ Roman sat down on the edge of the desk chair, facing the wall. The room was dim, with the only light being a warm white lamp over the desk. He sighed, remembering that despite the atmosphere being rather relaxed, he should leave fairly soon in case he started to become affected. ‘I needed to talk with you. I was- how do I say it- I was working on a project when I hit a wall. And I need to get it done soon- like, tomorrow, actually- seeing as it’s kind of for your anniversary? Damn, have I spoilt the surprise? Well, there’s not really a surprise yet, I guess. I just want to make sure it’s perfect, and-‘ Roman glanced over to his companion, and did a double take.

Virgil was asleep. Completely and utterly asleep. It was good, really- he had trouble sleeping a lot, and so he needed this, and he looked oddly adorable while he slept, cuddled up on his side, hugging three pillows under his head. Roman could feel himself smiling already. 

He started to slowly stand up, and turned to switch the light out when he finally saw what Virgil had been working on. It- it was simple, understated, yet a huge stand. 

In other words, perfectly Virgil. 

Yet at the bottom there was a note- ‘such a shame it doesn’t exist.’ 

Roman stole a glance over to the other side, before picking up the piece of paper and hurrying out the room. He carefully shut the door, sneaking one last glance at Virgil, before practically sprinting back to his room. 

In his better lighting he could appreciate the design all the more. It was going to be amazing-

He finished it soon (being Creativity had its perks) and turned to deciding how to wrap it. Eventually he settled on the brown paper he knew the others were using, and a scarlet ribbon, so it was clear who it was from. Besides, it would make up for how small it was- only a inch or so across. 

Happy, Roman finally went to bed.

***  
  


When Virgil woke up the next morning, there was a problem. 

His design was missing. 

He had spent ages on it, and it was gone.

He frantically searched for it, but there was no trace. As he was checking under the bed for the millionth time, there was a knock at the door.

‘HAPPY ANNIVERSARY KIDDO!’ 

‘Thanks, Pat. I’ll be out in ten, okay?’

‘Take your time!’ 

Virgil stood and stretched, attempting to forget about the missing drawing. It would show up, right? He changed his clothes, out on some fresh makeup and headed out. 

As it turned out, he was right- just not the way hethought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question:
> 
> Do you guys prefer ‘plot’ or autism stuff? 
> 
> I’m trying to make it even, but I don’t really succeed.
> 
> Let me know so I know which to write more of. Most comments have been about how relatable this is, so I wasn’t sure if you guys want me to write more about how it feels to be autistic.
> 
> I’m also trying to figure out whether most of the people reading this are autistic, neurodivergent, or neurotypical- I don’t know how much to explain technical stuff, or whether to just get into the descriptions of how things feel. 
> 
> As I said, let me know, and requests for topics open.
> 
> Cosette x


	17. With Hindsight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman and Virgil take a moment to look back over the years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requests open as always x

‘_FUCK!’_

‘Language!’

‘Sorry!’

Virgil turned bright red at Patton’s chastising as Roman silently laughed out of the corner of his eye. ‘I can’t believe I never realised before though...’ he mumbled.

Roman finally stopped laughing long enough to talk. ‘It’s not your fault, everyone missed it. Besides, hindsight is wonderful, right?’

Virgil fiddled with his hoodie. ‘I suppose.’ He suddenly threw his head back in frustration. ‘Just how did I not realise that was a stim?!’

‘Because- you- didn’t know you were autistic at the time??’

‘But STILL! I should have realised sooner that it was- I did it for years for god’s sake.’

‘Which one is this?’

‘Chewing the rucksack straps.’

‘Ah, yes. A- um- oral stim was it?’

Can’t find the name for it, but I think that’s what it’s called. Didn’t think I had one of those.’

‘Who would have thought you’d realise based on me offering you some gum.’

The two laid back on the sofa, listening to Patton I’m moving in the kitchen.

‘Hey V?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Anything else that was a sign with hindsight?’

‘...I always cut the labels out my clothes.’

‘And?’

‘...I would just go quiet after a busy day, now I know it was just- too much information.’

‘I still think the biggest sign I missed was your atrocious eating habits.’

‘I like things plain!’

‘You ate pasta and hotdogs every week for weeks!’

‘At least I had ketchup.’

Roman snorted and they resumed a comfortable silence. Very quickly, however, he noticed Virgil start to fidget- or stim, it could be difficult to tell- and decided to talk again.

‘What was the hardest part?’

There was silence, and for a moment, he worried he’d gone to far.

‘Not knowing.’

Roman turned to look at Virgil, who sighed.

‘I felt that something was different- but I never knew what. It was like everyone was speaking a foreign language and I only had the phrase book- it still does- but now I know I’m not broken. I’m not messed up, I’m just- me.’

His eyes were fixed on the ceiling. ‘And I know that there’s others- the community might be a little scattered, sure, but we’re there for each other, letting each other know we’re not alone.’ He fiddled with his phone, seemingly debating with himself, before pulling it out. He shot a look at Roman. ‘Don’t laugh.’

‘I won’t.’

Virgil hesitated before opening it and finding the site he was looking for. He glanced up.

‘I- started writing stuff. About how it feels. Before it was shit poetry, but now it’s- it’s little rants.’

Roman blinked as he saw his name on the page. ‘Is that- me?’

‘Y-yeah- I’m sorry-‘

‘Don’t apologise! I’m fine with it. Do I feature a lot?’

‘Well- yeah, I guess-‘

He pulled up the section he had intended for him to see, but paused, unsure.

‘What is it, V? You can show me if you like, or not, whatever you-‘

The phone was pushed into his hands. 

** _“Comments”_ **

He quickly read through the page while Virgil twiddled his thumbs.

When he was finished, Roman turned to Virgil, who huffed a laugh. ‘Yeah...wasn’t expecting that when I started writing...’

Roman switched off the phone and sat back, ready for Virgil to continue.

‘And when it’s a bit harder, and even the best allies in the world can’t help- I remember I’m not alone.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This is late.
> 
> The draft has been ready for ages, I’m so sorry. A lot has happened recently, such as exams, a new singing teacher, counselling and off-book dates. 
> 
> Yay!
> 
> So I realised that I did chew to stim- gum is amazing if this is for you. I broke my brace so can’t use it for a few months but I’m fine. Really. Not annoyed at all. Ok maybe a little.
> 
> The amount of stuff I look back on a realise that the signs were there is incredible.
> 
> If you are undiagnosed but heavily suspect you are autistic, my advice would be to try and get a diagnosis. That diagnosis won’t make life magically easier, but it will give you legal rights under the Equality Act of 2010 (UK), and will hopefully ensure you get the support you need, be it from school or work. And if it turns out you aren’t autistic- the screening processes they use can help them detect other mental health issues or neurological differences, at which point you can be diagnosed and helped. It’s scary, I know. If you need any more information, just ask. 
> 
> Thank you everyone who has left a comment- you guys have helped me so much!!
> 
> Hopefully I’ll be back to a more regular posting system soon, but thank you for reading and bearing with me.
> 
> Requests for topics open as usual.
> 
> See you soon,
> 
> Cosette


	18. The Nightmare of No Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is nocturnal. Not exactly by choice.

It was late.

Very late.

Logan was asleep. Patton was asleep. Roman was asleep.

So naturally Virgil was awake.

He was sitting in bed on his phone, trying to find something to do. A book lay discarded, and Virgil rubbed his eyes.

He hated sleep.

Well, he loved it, but he hated the actual process of going to sleep; the decision to go to bed, thepreparation of getting to bed, then being able to relax enough to sleep.

His main stumbling block was step three. It seemed that every time he tried to lay down and get some rest, his brain decided that this would be the perfect moment to replay everything that had happened that day; every sound, sight, smell, and touch, every conversation, face, and feeling.

This led the the extraordinary phenomenon of overloading in a perfectly quiet room. He would start to stim, which, seeing as he was laying down, sometimes became a full body affair, and even if it was just his hands, he would often accidentally hit his face and end up looking like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

He’d tried many methods. He decided that threatening the embodiment of sleep to knock him out didn’t count, though to be fair Remy really had tried.

First: Sleep relaxation techniques. Lay comfortably, and list three things you can see, three things you can hear, and three things you can feel. Then, close your eyes, and imagine pictures of three different things, then three different sounds, then three different feelings.

It had worked. For a while.

Then he became to aware he was doing it.

So, the Second: Music.

While listening to an album (Phantom of the Opera, tell Roman and you’re done) until exhaustion took over probably wasn’t what the website meant, but it was fun.

Then he tried listening to a piano instrumental of ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’. Again, his brain wised up to it.

So into the Third: ASMR ambience.

Not stuff like the sounds of people eating, Virgil would glare at anyone who so much as chewed their food too loud, but sounds like a fire crackling in a fire place while birds sang outside the window. But while this helped keep him calm, he still took ages falling asleep.

Still good occasionally.

So what was left?

Keeping himself awake until his body admits defeat. Not brilliant, but was working okay.

Time to explain that to Patton in the doorway.

Oh look, Logan was there too.

Yay.

‘Ok. I know what you’re going to say. Should be asleep, completely agree, just trying to get my brain to co-operate. Sleep helps reduce the amount of stimming I do, I get that, but the stimming keeps me from getting to sleep. Sometimes staring out the window with a breeze on my face looking at the stars can help, but I can’t fall asleep like that. I will try and get to sleep, really will, but seriously, wish me luck.’

He picked himself up off the floor, ready to go to bed (but perhaps not sleep) when he heard someone snap their fingers. He turned to the door to see Patton with his face screwed up in concentration. Usually he left the summoning to Roman, so this must have been important.

Now they were looking at him. Get into bed and they’ll soon leave.

Virgil turned to get into bed, but was faced with a thinner duvet than he owned, frowning, he lifted it to find a thicker, shiny grey padded blanket underneath. He lifted that up (well that’s heavy) to find a purple plaid blanket underneath that one.

‘Ok, I’m too tired for this crap, what the hell is this?’

Logan was the one to speak. ‘We we’re doing some research into sleeping methods after finding that your light was on quite late. We found that a weighted blanket can be useful. It’s because-‘

‘No offence, but too tired for the sciencey stuff right now. What’s the rest of it?’

‘That’s how beds used to be made up,’ Patton chimed in, ‘They still are in some places- you have tucked sheets instead of one duvet. Make you feel more secure. 

Huh. Okay. ‘Well...thank you. I’ll try it. I’ve tried a lot though, so Im not sure if it’ll work. But really, thank you.’ Theother two said goodnight and left.

Virgil stared at the bed, lifting up the plaid blanket he found a sheet, which thankfully had nothing else under that. This wouldn’t work. It was just some extra cloth. 

He worked his way in, pulling all the layers up. This wouldn’t work. He’d be laying here for hours, restless. 

He tied to get comfortable with the excessive amount of pillows he had and his cat toy (don’t judge). This wouldn’t work.

***

He woke up eleven hours later.

A fluke. He was already exhausted, his body just admitted defeat.

After a week of it working far too well, he was the one to admit defeat.

He thanked Logan and Patton more times than he could count, to the point he felt a bit silly.

But at least now, curled up under enough material to to make the Von Trapp Children another few outfits, he could finally get some sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Again, sorry for being so late. Had the good old exams that don’t count back in time for an practical exam that does count.
> 
> Anyway: Sleep.
> 
> Many autistics struggle with sleep. Apparently we tend to get to sleep faster with someone there, possibly due to the comfort of another heart beat like in th womb. Similarly a good calming technique for me is to tap a heart beat just under my left collarbone- same idea. 
> 
> Sheets were my mums idea, weighted blanket mine. I’m actually sleeping nowadays. I mean it’s gone midnight and I’m awake but this time was my choice. 
> 
> All the methods mentioned did help in some way, so if you like, give them a try. 
> 
> That’s all for now I think. As always, any questions, leave a comment, regardless if you are autistic or not, or if it’s advice or curiosity. Also feel free to request topics for me to cover. 
> 
> So long, and hopefully be back soon,
> 
> Cosette


	19. Cancelling Cancelled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing is wrong. Absolutely nothing. 
> 
> ...but there’s something.

Virgil sat on the floor by his bed, staring at nothing in particular.

He’d been like this for a while. He wasn’t entirely sure why, but he didn’t have the energy to figure it out.

There was a knock on the door.

‘Come in.’ Why did he say that? They were going to ask what was wrong, but he doesn’t know what’s wrong, so-

‘Virgil? You okay?’ Roman strode over to sit next to him. Well, here was the conversation he didn’t want to have.

‘Yeah.’

There was a pause.

‘Are you really?’

‘...no.’

‘Okay, what’s going on?’

‘I- I don’t know- nothing.’

Roman teasingly rolled his eyes. ‘Well, there has to be _something_!’

Virgil sighed. ‘There’s really nothing, I don’t know why-‘ He stopped short, eyes widening. ‘Thats it. That’s what’s wrong!’

‘What?!’

‘Nothing!’

‘...I don’t follow.’

Virgil sighed. ‘Everything is being cancelled right now, right? And I get why, it makes sense, but I like to try and plan my life- with varying levels of success- I generally have a rough overview of what I’m doing week by week. But that’s all gone now- and I don’t even know what could happen tomorrow, or next week, I can’t plan properly, and I just don’t know what to do.’

Roman took a moment to consider. ‘Well, that makes sense. Everyone is feeling a bit disoriented at the moment, I can see where you’re coming from. How about...well, we always say have something to look forward to, and I get that’s tricky at the moment, but...we can decide that we’ll watch a movie at a set time each evening, or a tv show, or plan to listen to music around a certain time. A loose schedule, right? Gives you something solid to focus on.’

Virgil thought for a moment. ‘I’m not sure how well that’ll work...but it’s worth a shot.’ Roman smiled.

‘If it doesn’t work out, well try something else, okay?’

‘Okay.’

Roman suddenly stood up. ‘Right! Comfy clothes, a glass of water and a few skittles, and we’ll watch a movie! Good?’

Virgil gave a shy grin back. 

‘Sure- that sounds good.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, 
> 
> A quick chapter based around routine for you there- I’ll go into more detail at some point. 
> 
> This chapter was brought to you by all my plans being cancelled because of COVID 19
> 
> Sorry for being late (again).
> 
> SO- COVID 19 in England is causing a bit of chaos.
> 
> Schools here are yet to shut, pretty much everything else has. My school made the decision not to enter year 12/lower sixth (my year) for AS levels, which most schools have stopped doing anyway. This is a blessing in every way except one- you may remember on my last chapter mentioning an exam that counted? That was part of my Drama and Theatre Studies coursework, which I spent two months doing, and finally submitted on Friday- that has now been nullified as it was only for my AS. We didn’t realise this until after the fact. 
> 
> Then my school was running out of teachers because so many are in isolation, and so sent half my secondary school home- the younger half- to learn from home. Waiting for news if I will be going in tomorrow- it’s on at the moment. 
> 
> Sixth form made the most of the half empty school to play capture the flag at lunch. 
> 
> Ok literally as I was writing this we got the announcement that schools are shutting after Friday except for ‘key workers’ kids. 
> 
> Which includes me (mum is a nurse). 
> 
> See you soon guys! 
> 
> Cosette


	20. Light It Up Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember Virgil’s anniversary? And Roman trying to come up with a present? 
> 
> Want to find out what was in that box?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!!!!!

Virgil was annoyed.

Not an uncommon occurrence but hear me out.

He’d just read yet another story about a child being thrown off a plane for being autistic, or how people on the Spectrum should be pitied, or that they’ll never contribute to society.

The obvious ‘solution’ to this would be to hide it, protect it as to ur secret, a need-to-know situation.

However, as I have said, Virgil was annoyed.

And when he was annoyed multiple times, he was pissed.

And when he was pissed, he was stubborn.

Why should he have to hide it if he didn’t want to? How can people be aware if he stays in the shadows? Everyone needs to know- so how to let them know?

He’d considered it for hours on end. It was alike to coming out of the closet, he supposed. There was a similar level of anxiety (ha); how family and friends would react (Roman, Patton and Logan knew), how the extended family would react (the Others...didn’t know as far as he was aware) and everyone in general (Thomas and viewers- Thomas should be fine but a large amount of people could have varying reactions and get the wrong idea...)and he was sick of telling people person by person, feeling like he had to swear them into secrecy.

No. He was coming out of the Neurodiverse closet. To everyone.

_ But how? _

_ Start small. Just say it. Give a sign, a conversation starter- _

_ That’s it. A sign. _

He grabbed his phone, a pencil and paper.He Googled what he needed- _yes_! _Perfect_!- before carefully sketching and annotating his design. _Perhaps this is_ _how Roman feels_ he thought briefly.

_Well, I like it_. He decided.

It didn’t take him long to finish, and he took a moment to appreciate his work. It was perfect.

The moment of euphoria wore off suddenly, as the realisation hit him;

He wasn’t Roman. _This doesn’t exist._

He stared at the page for a moment, before picking up his pencil again, writing a note at the bottom of the page;

‘Such a shame it doesn’t exist’

Yet as he looked over the design, he felt that feeling return, flopping on the bed. He sighed contentedly.

There was a knock at the door.

‘Heya Princey.’

-

After one fantastic anniversary, two outfits and cake, they were all tangled on the sofa. Patton was fiercely fighting to keep his eyes open, but losing the battle. Logan started to work him out of the pile, only for Patton to try and bat him off.

‘No- noooo, want to stay...Virgil’s anniversa-anniversary...’

Virgil smiles. ‘It’s ok, Pat, you can go to bed.’

‘Sure?’

‘I’m sure. Thanks for everything.’

Patton gave up and fell asleep, immediately latching onto Logan, who rolled his eyes. ‘I’ll try and get him to his room.’ He scooped him up and disappeared up the stairs.

Virgil and Roman sat in silence for a few moments.

‘OH!’ Roman jumped up and ran across the room. He grabbed the small box with a red ribbon and jumped over the sofa, facing Virgil.

Or...not.

‘Virgil?’

‘Up here.’

Roman looked up, and saw Virgil on top of the bookcase.

‘You yelled and expected Anxiety to not be scared? Seriously?’

Roman held up the box. ‘Don’t you want your present?’

Virgil slid down the bookcase in a flash to sit next to Roman.

Smiling, he handed the box over.

Virgil excitedly started opening the box, fingers fumbling with the ribbon. He finally worked it off, and he carefully pulled the lid off.

His breath caught.

On a small patch of purple velvet, there was a pin badge, about two centimetres long. It was gold, catching the light and shining brightly- there was a sheen of rainbow that moved with the light.

An infinity symbol.

Virgil looked up. ‘How-‘

Roman smiles sheepishly, and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. ‘I-found this.’

Virgil took it, and saw his design from the night before. Roman watched nervously.

An infinity symbol, for the neurodiversity spectrum.

Gold, for autism.

A rainbow sheen as a nod to the other disorders-

‘It’s perfect.’

Roman perked up a bit. ‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah!’

Roman launches into the process he took to create it, and ensure it was the best it could be, while Virgil pinned it on his hoodie before laying back and letting the words wash over him.

Best. Anniversary. Ever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I’m back!!
> 
> All my exams were cancelled, school is still happening, I’m writing this is a study period, I spent two months on coursework, handed it in the week before schools shut and now it counts for nothing~ BUT MY FAMILY IS OK!!! 
> 
> So- I explained the work title! There has been a bit of debate over the appropriate symbol and colour scheme for autism awareness- puzzle pieces are controversial, the colour blue is controversial, nobody can agree- but I found the proposal of a gold infinity symbol. Infinity symbols are starting to be used for the neurodiverse spectrum, and gold is a pun. 
> 
> How? Well- The symbol for gold on the periodic table is Au (for Aurum, Latin for gold). Au(tistic). 
> 
> Also this is autism awareness month, the week was earlier and I missed it but better late than never. 
> 
> The start of the chapter is also based on my decision to be openly autistic. I chose this seventeen months after being diagnosed, because I was fed up. And also for GCSE English you have to do a speech. So I ‘came out’ as autistic to my English class, and news spreads fast. I write this, I raise awareness in my school- this year was supposed to be big- and just try and expand and challenge people’s views on autism.
> 
> See you guys soon! 
> 
> #Lightitupgold, don’t light it up blue, be proud, and carry on!!!


	21. And We’ll Carry On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A meeting in the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you creamiiteaa_xx for this idea!! I might do another chapter around this, I think it could be good for doing special interests.

A meeting is occurring in the living room. 

‘Virgil. We would like to make a request-‘

‘CAN YOU STOP PLAYING MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE FOR FIVE MINUTES??’

‘...Logan is just a little stressed. Anyway-‘

‘IT’S THE SAME SONGS- BLACK PARADE, TEENAGERS, FAMOUS LAST WORDS, I’M NOT OKAY- OVER AND OVER-‘

‘...I think what Logan is trying to say is- we appreciate your taste in music, but-‘

‘THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH EMO I CAN TAKE.’

‘It can get a little- how do I say this- repetitive?’

‘UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY PATTON-‘

‘...you okay?’

‘I...lost control of myself for a minute. I apologise.’

Virgil snorted, rolling his eyes as Logan attempted to straighten his tie. ‘Sorry, I didn’t realise you could hear it. I’ll use headphones next time?’

‘Please.’ Roman had on earmuffs with Mickey ear patterns, and was holding out his showtune CDs as if he could ward off the emo music with the presence of Disney.

‘If it’s any consolation, I hopefully won’t be playing the just those songs over and over soon.’

Roman nearly sagged in relief. ‘Thank goodness.’

Logan, surprisingly, didn’t look as relieved, instead, he seemed a bit apprehensive. ‘May I ask- why you know that you’ll stop playing MCR?’

Virgil looked up from his phone. ‘I never said that I wouldn’t be playing MCR. They just got back together, which hopefully means new music-‘

‘YOU MEAN THERE’S GOING TO BE MORE OF IT??’

‘Well- yeah.’

Logan looked like he was questioning his very existence, while Roman clasped his Mickey Mouse earmuffs tighter, taking deep breaths.

‘Can you give me one- ONE- reason that you need to keep playing those songs?’

Virgil started him down. ‘I can happy stim to them.’

‘Happy stim.’

‘Yes.’

Logan and Roman looked between Virgil and Patton standing behind them, arms crossed, with an approximation of a stern face that looked a touch more like a puppy after their owner had left the room for a few seconds too long.

‘...well who are we to argue with that?’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back!!!! 
> 
> No excuse. Well. School decided to have exams before returning to school so I had those. And I’ve been letting myself stim more because I realise I was really masking a lot more than I thought. But other than that- I got nothing. I’m really Sorry!! 
> 
> Thank you for all your comments!! I may be late replying but I do read them!!
> 
> So- 
> 
> Autistics often like listening to the same music, reading the same things or watching the same shows/films over and over. It can be a stimmy thing, or a comfort thing, or just because we like it. I’ll do a bit on special interests at some point, but the general gist is that they are areas of extreme focus- ‘in our work it’s called focus, in our hobbies it’s called passion, in our personal lives, obsession’ 
> 
> Thank you all for reading as always!! 
> 
> So long, 
> 
> Cosette

**Author's Note:**

> Hello 
> 
> On the off chance anyone actually reads this, I would like to explain.
> 
> This is based on my experiences as someone with ‘high functioning’ autism. I like to project onto characters. I’ve wanted to write a female autistic character, as they are in short supply, but I needed to build my confidence up.
> 
> Hence this.
> 
> Autism and Anxiety are closely linked, though not the same. People with autism are more likely to develop Anxiety disorders, so I thought it would be interesting to have an autistic Virgil. 
> 
> This means that Virgil isn’t having panic attacks- he’s having autistic meltdowns, brought on by hypersensitivity to certain things. Autism often feels like your brain trying to protect you against everything, so at least for me this works for now.
> 
> I am not saying Thomas Sanders is autistic. Just getting that out there.
> 
> Also, this is based off my experiences with my specific type and flavour of autism. Female and Male autism are different, and there are a range of spectrum disorders. If you want to know more, I can give you links to sites or answer questions is you ask.
> 
> Also, I will show the upsides to autism if people want me to continue this, or if I get a chance. 
> 
> So long,
> 
> Cosette


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